NONFICTION! is just that: nonfiction. Every tale recounted within, however tall it may be, is 100% Actual Factual and USDA Certified Non-False. In other words…this crap actually happened. I swear on a stack of first-edition hardbacks of James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces that what you are about to read went down exactly as reported, with every line of dialogue repeated precisely as it was spoken¹, every name remembered with perfect psychic clarity², and every event depicted with an objective accuracy of detail³ so great it puts even FOX News and The Daily Show to shame.

Between the years 1996 and…oh, ’round-about 2000, I found myself close friends with a number of highly unusual folks. I had met Joe Kendall at California University of Pennsylvania, where we were both grad students, and, through him, met Lenny (actually “Lynny”, but that’s beside the point) Capan, his half-sister Jamie, Rhonda Clark, Danielle What’s-Her-Name, and many others who, like me, lived in or around the half-dead town of Uniontown, and really didn’t have much to do with their time, either. Fayette County, Pennsylvania (of which Uniontown is the county seat) isn’t exactly a booming center of culture and entertainment…so we became quite adept at making our own fun in order to keep ourselves occupied and reasonably nonviolent. As we were all very easily amused as well as creative–and, quite frankly, unfettered by such trivial constraints as propriety, maturity, and sanity–the variety of things we found ourselves experiencing and engaging in proved to be quite diverse and…well, unusual. To further mutate matters, Fayette County and Uniontown are naturally strange places–many residents call the area “The Little Twilight Zone”–full of many strange characters, all of whom we eventually encountered in our adventures.

And that’s exactly what these stories recount: the pop-mythic adventures of a group of irrepressible, ineffable, and oftimes interminable whackos (collectively self-named “The Werewolves of Uniontown”) in the bizarre wilds of southwestern Pennsylvania.

So step right up, ladies and gentlemens, and enjoy the surreal–yet unassailably true–spectacle that is NONFICTION! Marvel at the sheer ingenuity displayed in rescuing a stuck Microbus from the green hell of Forbes National Forest via the application of two skinny men to a bumper! Huzzah at the throaty roar of a Jeep’s engine as it roars through some unsuspecting surburbanite’s back yard! Shudder at the horror of the goat-odored mountain babe and her tentacular tongue of doom! Shake your booty to the sounds of Deja Vu! Weep at the tragedy of misguided marriages floundering on the rocks of the Youghiogheny River! Laugh uncontrollably at the ludicrous seduction strategies of The Spoon-Boy! And sit quietly in awe at the sight of all Creation spread out before you from the mystical mountaintop known as Pine Knob! And always remember this quote, as it will be your guiding light within these pages and within the bedarkened, magic-less world of today:

There were giants on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown. –Genesis 6:4.

Now…I’m not saying that we’re all the sons and daughters of Mighty Entities of Yore, but there’s a reason so many Fayette Countians call Pine Knob “The Vacation Spot of the Gods.” Guess you’ll just have to read the stories to find out why, huh?

To begin with, what better way to get acquainted with our Cast of Characters than to visit the Who’s Who page and check out the personages who fill these pages? To keep up with the ever-expanding tales of the Werewolves of Uniontown, subscribe to our RSS feed!

And that’s all you really need to know to get started–so quit fuckin’ around and get ye a heapin’ helpin’ of NONFICTION!

Notes:
¹: Especially the cuss-words.
²: Except when warm-hearted concern for friends’ freedom, or threats of potential violence, have necessitated that I change names so some folks do not end up in federal prison.
³: A large archive of random photographs, Polaroids, crayon doodles on the back of old Eat n’ Park placemats, and assorted memorabilia now in the possession of the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has been a great help in corroborating and establishing the veracity of certain details.